Bowen's Birth

I figure that I need to end this with his birth story before I start a baby journal (4 1/2 months after his birth). No pictures of the birth. I had no desire to be photographed in the miserable state that is labor.

This was written several weeks after his birth, before my memories got too fuzzy.

So, we're all safe at home now. We came home Saturday 9/11. To me, that's always going to be his 2nd birthday. It was such a relief to finally get him home. He exceeded everyone's expectations (except mine and Erik's - we knew he was strong and healthy). So, the whole reason that he had to be air transported to UCSF children's hospital was because he wasn't breathing when he came out. Sorry if I've already gone over this part. I'm finally beginning to understand it all. He had to be resuscitated, but didn't have to be intubated. He was actually breathing without the aid of oxygen within a few hours, but because he went without oxygen for a period of time, he was at risk for brain damage. The hospital in our area that has a better NICU than where he was born was full and the doctor that was caring for him thought that he was a candidate for the cooling therapy that UCSF uses. Apparently, they are a world renowned NICU - babies from all over the country get transferred there. So, they cooled his core temperature to about 92 degrees F (33.5 C)and kept him there for 72 hours. This gives his brain time to rest and heal. Unfortunately, they had to keep him on morphine and atavan so that he could tolerate being cooled to that temperature. During the cooling period, we couldn't hold him, because that would warm him up. We could only sit with him and touch him. It was really heartwrenching. He had 15 electrodes on his head and 2 central lines in his umbilical stump and numerous wires everywhere. Finally they re-warmed him and he tolerated that well. On day 5 of his life we got to hold him for the first time. On day 6 I got to breastfeed. Up until that point, he hadn't had a drop of food. I had been collecting my colostrum and pumping when my milk came in and he finally go colustrum on day 6. When I wasn't able to be there to breastfeed, they gave him my milk in bottles. There was talk of having to give him formula, but they never had to because I managed to pump enough and he ended up leaving almost a week sooner than they had expected. I actually still have some of my milk in the freezer, which I had to bust out last night because he was having a horrible night. He would not latch on to me no matter what. He fussed and slept restlessly and I was worried that he’d get dehydrated, so I busted out a bottle. He sucked down 3 oz and it went a little smoother after that. He still woke up more often, but I did manage to get him to latch on at some point during the night and he ate for about 10 or 15 min. He nursed this morning at 8:30 for about 15 min and has been asleep ever since. I’m trying not to worry or obsess too much, but I’m really a nervous wreck. Erik is my rock right now. He is so reasurring and supportive. I think we’re going to have a session with the lactation consultant today, or Thursday at the latest. So, I didn’t get to my birth story this edition. I’m still working it out in my head, I guess. I’m pretty much ok with it and we’ll probably never know why Bowen wasn’t breathing when he was born, but he’s happy and healthy now, so we’re just going to keep moving forward.

Birth Story

I suppose it’s time I wrote this. On 9/1, I had no inkling whatsoever that I’d go into labor that day. I assumed that I’d go past my due date, since most FTMs tend to. I was a little more tired than usual that day, but nothing to be concerned about. I met a friend at the dog park and took a nice, long walk with her and her little boy. It was really nice. We talked about her birth and stuff and when I got home, I told my baby that I was ready for him to come that day. I guess he heard me. Anyway, when Erik got home from work he took a shower and was feeling amorous, so we made love. I was kind of horny myself and I wanted it kind of hard and deep, so he took me from behind. It was really nice. A little while later, I was in the kitchen heating up some soup and I felt a gush. This was around 5:45pm or 6. I figured it was just the last of the semen coming out, so I ran to the bathroom and wiped and noted that there was more than I expected, but didn’t really worry too much. Back in the kitchen, I felt another gush and knew it was something different. I was pretty sure my water had broken, but didn’t say anything to Erik right away. I think I had to stop one more time as I was trying to serve dinner to go change my underwear and put on a super-duper pad. Erik was getting impatient for dinner, so finally I said, “I think my water just broke.” That totally changed the tone of the evening. He was supposed to go back in to work that night around 8pm, but we weren’t sure that was such a good idea. Contractions hadn’t started yet at this point, so we ate dinner and then I called the midwives. They told me to eat a good meal and try to get some rest and a good night’s sleep. At that point, I had been getting some crampy contractions, more intense than BH, but nothing I couldn’t talk through. This was a Wednesday and the next day was the beginning of Erik’s weekend – the day we had planned to finish up all of our birth chores: grocery shopping, stocking the pantry, gathering all of the supplies, finishing the laundry, etc. We had no food in the house, so I decided that we needed to go shopping right away, before my ctx got more intense. So, we grabbed our list and headed to the grocery store. It also happens to be the grocery store where Erik works, so we got a lot of attention, which was good and bad. My ctx got more intense as we shopped and I had to stop and lean on the cart during them. They were about 3-5 min apart and lasted about 1 min. It really felt like things were ramping up quickly. Anyway, we managed to get the shopping done, but by the time we got home, my ctx were too intense for me to really do anything to help, so poor Erik was scrambling around trying to put away all the groceries. I was running around gathering stuff and doing laundry when I could. I called my mom and had her come over to help Erik put away groceries and to scrub my bathtub. I called the midwife back and told her that I don’t think I was going to get any sleep that night and that I’d feel better if she’d come over. Oh, and the birth tub was supposed to be delivered the next day, but that would probably be too late, so I called the lady and left her a message saying that I was already in labor and unless she could come that night with the tub, I’d have to cancel. It’s all kind of a blur when I look back. So chaotic. The midwife got there around 9:30 and my ctx were pretty painful by then. I think I got in the shower shortly thereafter, but I couldn’t even stand up. I folded up a towel for my knees and got on my hands and knees in the shower. I stayed there for what seems like hours. I think the next place I felt comfortable was on my bed on my hands and knees with a pile of pillows under me. Apparently there was another lady that we could get a birth tub from and she actually came over at like 11pm and set it all up. Sometime around midnight I was finally allowed in the tub. It brought some relief, but not as much as I had hoped for. Again, I was only comfortable on my knees. It didn’t have soft cushy sides either, so leaning over the edge was quite uncomfortable. I don’t know how long I stayed in there – I think an hour. The 2^nd midwife came over sometime during the morning. I dunno when. They had been monitoring me and the baby and his heartrate was perfect and my temp was great this whole time. I think they finally checked me sometime in the wee hours of the morning. I had felt like things were really ramping up and the ctx were really intense, but when she checked, I was only at 4 and stretched to a 5. That was horrendously painful – I did not like being on my back at all! I was so discouraged. I totally thought I was farther along than that. It sort of helped me though, because I focused on conserving my energy more and keeping my tones low and trying to rest and relax as much as possible b/w ctx. Oh, and I think before they checked me, I threw up my entire dinner, which really sucked. I guess I thought that I was getting closer to transition because of throwing up, but no. I was still a 4 at that point.

Really, the whole rest of my labor was a blur. The sun started coming up and it was just more of the same. Painful contractions and switching up between being on my knees on my bed, in the shower and in the birth tub. Baby’s heartrate was consistent and my temperature was just under normal the whole time. The midwives kept trying to feed me stuff and everything was gross. Plus, I was really, really hot. It was a beautiful sunny day outside, but I was so hot and the house was stuffy. I had to have a fan pointed at me at all times. I got pretty whiney pretty quickly, too. I kept asking if I could just go to the hospital and get drugs pretty much right from the start. I didn’t REALLY want that, but I was testing the waters. The midwives kept reminding me to stay calm and relax and encouraging me by telling me what a great job I was doing and that I was getting closer with each contraction, etc. Nothing made me feel any better, though. I really didn’t like labor at all. I guess no one does, but I just remember feeling utterly miserable the whole time and wanting it to end. I tried to check in with my body and the baby, but I never felt any connection. I tried to visualize my cervix opening with each contraction, but I never really got into it. I remember thinking about how women talk about being in an “altered state” while in labor, where time goes by quickly and wondering when I was going to be able to be in that state. I remember being fully conscious and miserable and that time was just dragging. My mom was there I think for most of my labor, but I really didn’t interact with her at all. She felt that it was best for her to just stay out of my way. She came and sat in the room with me a few time, but I was in my own little world. Come to find out, she was really pissed off at the midwives the whole time and thought that they were mismanaging my labor and she wanted me to go to the hospital waaaay sooner than I had. I didn’t find that out until the day after Bowen was born, though. Anyway, so the day dragged on and nothing was happening except lots of contractions. After each contraction, I’d sip some water or Recharge and some midwife would shove some honey or yogurt or something in my mouth and I’d try not to vomit. When it got to painful on my knees, sometimes I’d try standing up over the toilet, leaning on the windowsill behind the toilet. It helped for Erik to rub and push on my sacrum a little. It was nice to get some fresh air and stare out at the chickens. The sun went down again and I really started watching the clock after we passed the 24 hour mark. They checked me again sometime that evening and I was I think at 7 or something, but I had a lip. So, closer, but still not time to push. Sometime in the night, I vowed to myself that if the baby wasn’t born by 6am the next day, I was going to the hospital. I told Erik that and he agreed. Anyway, I guess it was sometime around 10pm when Erik laid down to rest and I think the midwives were resting too and it was just me, laboring by myself on my bed and the kitty laying at the end of the bed. My kitty actually stayed with me a lot of the time. It was like she was protecting me. It was really sweet. The other midwife checked me again and I think I was an 8 or something, but the lip was a problem. At some point, they got in there and pushed the lip back and I was a 9 or 10 and they had me try pushing, but nothing was really happening. I guess they realized that I was getting exhausted (duh) and wanted to try giving me an enema to ramp things up. They gave me a choice of an enema and something else that I can’t remember and I chose the enema because it seemed like the lesser of the two evils. It wasn’t like your regular Fleet enema, either. It was a crazy concoction of ginger and molasses and god knows what else and I heard them preparing it and cooking it. I remember thinking that it was the oddest thing to be cooking up an enema for someone. I guess the premise was that the nutrients would be absorbed internally and it would provide me with some energy. I think that they administered that around midnight. It did its thing and I spent some time on the toilet, but didn’t really feel any different afterwards. I think they checked me one last time and I was pretty much fully dialated, but my contractions weren’t strong enough or close enough together to push the baby out. I didn’t have the urge to push at all. I tried some pushing, but it didn’t bring relief or do anything. I was left alone again for a while after that and sometime around 2am the midwives came in and asked how I’d feel about going to the hospital. I had been laboring for 32 hours at that point and I was ready to get it over with. I told them that I had already vowed to go to the hospital by 6am if there was no baby by then, so they asked me if I wanted to go right then, or wait ‘til 6am. I told them that now was good, so they went and woke Erik up and told him what was happening. We gathered some stuff and I threw on a robe and slippers and off we went. It’s less than a 10 minute drive and I think I only had one contraction on the way. I managed it somehow. When we got to the hospital, they informed us that all of the birth rooms were full, so we got some tiny little side room. I totally didn’t care at the point, but the room was really tiny and stuffy. They slapped on the monitors and gave me the heplock and I told the nurse I wanted something for pain since they were going to give me pitocin. I guess it was too late for an epidural, but I would have preferred to just have that because the fentanyl didn’t work at all. It made me relaxed and loopy, but didn’t do anything for the pain. The pitocin ramped things up and they decided to have me start pushing. I absolutely hated that. They showed me a bunch of different ways. The set up the squat bar and I tried that, but the IV was in my wrist and it really hurt to hold on to the bar. Then I did this modified squat thing while laying down. That one was the easiest, but pushing really sucked. It felt better than breathing through the contractions, but it really, really hurt. They had me doing the blue in the face pushing, too. Then they decided that my pushing was still making no progress, so they decided to go ahead with an epidural so I could rest a while. But, with each contraction, the baby’s heartrate would decelerate and they gave me oxygen. Oh, and they decided to internalize me, so I had internal monitors, but they had a hard time placing them. They had to re-do the baby’s monitor 3x and the contraction monitor thingy 2x. Boy did I get sick of people putting there hands in my vagina! I think when all was said and done, I had 6 different hands inside of me. Oh, so they decided on the epidural, but the anesthesiologist was tied up in a surgery, so I had to wait an hour or so for the epi, meanwhile, they kept pumping me full of fentanyl (because I kept asking for it). I finally got the epidural, which started working immediately and of course, I got a catheter. I thought that getting the epidural would prevent me from having a c-section, but apparently the decels were worrying the doctors and they had the c-section doctor come in and examine me and he pretty much told me that I needed a c-section. He said that I have a 9lb baby in there and that I was still at a 0 station and that the baby’s head was starting to mold and he didn’t think that there was any way I was gonna push it out. I discussed it with my mom, the midwives and Erik for a minute or two and we decided to go ahead with it. I just wanted the baby out and safe. It was around 1pm when they finally wheeled me in to be prepped for surgery – about 41-42 hrs into my labor. As I was laying on the operating table I tried to check in with the baby and focus on the birth. I remember my birth books saying that a c-section is a birth and should be treated as such, rather than an operation. Finally Erik was at my side, all gowned and masked. We told everyone to please keep the sex a secret until Erik and I had a chance to see the baby. They got the baby out, but instead of showing him to us, they whisked him over to the pediatrician who was set up in another area of the OR. I don’t think I yet realized that there was something wrong. Ellen, the hospital midwife that was attending the birth kept running over and giving us updates, saying that he was fine, but he wasn’t breathing so they had to work on him. They also told us that he needed Narcan to counteract all of the narcotics that they had given me. That really freaked me out. Meanwhile, Erik was leaning way over to try to see the baby and he said that he saw a penis. He started crying when he realized that we had a boy. I was so happy and I still didn’t know how serious things were. They finally brought him over to us. Erik got to touch him, but I couldn’t because I was all strapped down. He was so beautiful, but they had to take him away because I guess he still wasn’t breathing as well as they wanted him to or something. So, Erik went with him to the nursery while they sewed me all up. I was in recovery when Erik and the pediatrican walked in. I saw the look on Erik’s face and knew that something was seriously wrong. She explained to me that he wasn’t breathing, but they had resucitated him, but he was still getting oxygen and that St. Joseph’s hospital (a local hospital with a NICU) was full, so he was going to have to be air-transported to UCSF children’s hospital. It was all so surreal. Erik stayed and talked with me for a little bit and then went back to the nursery to be with our baby (he didn’t have a name yet at this time). I remember lying there utterly confused and helpless – I couldn’t move my legs and I began to shake uncontrollably. A lab tech came and tried to take blood from me and I yelled at her and told her that she needed to try it at another time because I was too upset and couldn’t stop shaking. Finally, I was wheeled into my room where I rested. People came in and out and the nurses did their thing. I kept asking when I could be wheeled in to see my son (who I had only seen for about 30 seconds at that point). It wasn’t until 7 hours later that I finally got to see him. I couldn’t stand up, so I couldn’t kiss him or anything. I just sat there and stared at him and held his hand and stroked his face and body. This was about 8pm and he left with the transport team around 9. Just before he left, Erik and I decided on a name. I didn’t want him to go to San Francisco without a name. So, that’s about it.

Almost 36 weeks

Picture 1: Dresser that I'm decoupaging
Picture 2: The pile of packaging from the crib
Picture 3: Me at 35 weeks!

Well, I'm overdue for an entry in here. It's been almost a month. Things are breezing along. Just being pregnant. The baby is getting bigger (duh) and there is less room for moving around. I feel plenty of movement, but less kicking and more pushing and bulging. Its favorite spot seems to be having its butt up under my right rib cage. I have a tender spot there now and when its pushing against it, I get numb and tingly. It feels gross! I think that maybe it's its feet sometimes 'cause I tried pushing them down and then it kicked me! It was funny. I keep referring to the baby as "it" today. Hmmm. I guess it's just easier to type than he/she. Oh, and I have lovely purple stretch marks on my lower belly now. And they itch! And I'm developing a crazy spare tire. Most of my weight gain seems to be on my upper hips and across my back just above my butt crack! It's horrid! I really hope that I lose that very quickly. Apparently my butt needs to get bigger for childbirth or something. Ugh!

So, I've actually been doing some stuff in preparation for the little one. I'm almost finished decoupaging the dresser and the crib is partway put together. We started it yesterday, but we are missing some screws, so we'll finish today after we go to Ace. I washed all of the baby clothes and bedding and blankets that we've gotten and I'm going to sort them into age categories today. I ordered my homebirth kit (plastic sheets, absorbent pads, etc.) and we're starting to stock up on stuff. We have to paint some shelves soon and figure out where we want them. We have a home visit with the midwives on Friday. It's in the evening and we're cooking dinner for them. Kind of weird, but cool, too. They want to be familiar with our house and where everything is so we don't have to do an orientation while I'm in labor.

I watched a video of a woman giving birth the other day and I've come to the conclusion that I don't like watching other women give birth. Way too intense. And messy! I know that I'll be going through it and it will get messy, I just don't want to see it. It freaks me out.

So, we're taking this birth class called "Birthing From Within" which sounded good to me because it's not a conventional class geared toward hospital births. Anyway, I think I wrote about it last time. So, I was reading the book for the class and came across this passage: Living in the Southwest has influenced our childbirth classes. Picture this: Mothers sitting in a circle on the floor, learning to labor-howl while a tape of howling coyotes fills the room. Later, fathers join in the circle for co-chanting. Some people start out a bit inhibited, but once they warm up, it isn't easy getting them to stop. I just about died. I read it to Erik and I said, "if she does this in our class, we're outta there!" So, the very next class, guess what? Coyote circle! Erik wasn't at that class either, so I didn't have a partner for the co-chanting, which meant that the instructor would have been my partner. I was sort of tricked into it. She had us get in a circle on the floor and she put a tub of ice down in the middle (we use ice to practice our pain coping techniques). Then, she starts the coyote howling soundtrack and it was then that I knew what was about to happen. I panicked. All I could think of was how to get up and leave without making a scene. I knew there is no way I could handle sitting through it. I guess I found an opportune moment, so I grabbed my shoes and ran out the door. I didn't have time to gather all of my stuff, so I couldn't leave. I just wandered the halls of the hospital until I thought that it might be over. I listened at the door a couple of times to see if they were done howling and went back in when I thought it was safe. They weren't done, however. I didn't join the circle and had to sit through one round of watching them do the co-chanting thing. That's where the ladies start to moan and make "birth noises" and the men join in and match the woman's tone. It was awful! I was so embarassed for them. Anyway, at the next pause, I grabbed the rest of my stuff, flashed an apologetic look to the instructor and bailed. I was never so happy to get out of somewhere! I dunno. I know I'll probably make lots of noise during labor, but I'll be in the comfort of my own home and will only have Erik and the midwives around me. That's a huge part of why I want to birth at home - I don't want to be inhibited if there are strangers around. Plus, I totally can't picture Erik moaning with me. It would probably annoy the hell out of me or just be too silly. We subsequently didn't go to the next class. We're just not getting anything out of it. This Thursday is the last class and I'm contemplating whether to go or not. I like the other couples there and it will be cool to see them one last time, but I dunno.

So, that's about it. Just over a month until the baby comes. I don't think it will actually feel real to me until I'm actually going through it. And then I'll have this little baby. It's crazy.

31wks2days

I’m 31wks2days. (Well, I was yesterday when I actually wrote this, but anyway...) Feeling pretty good. The baby is getting bigger. He’s kicking me in the ribs fairly regularly now and I can sometimes feel which body part is which. Just now I felt a foot poking out of my abdomen. It’s funny. I’m getting bigger, too. A few days ago I was feeling so stretched and heavy, I could barely walk. All I wanted to do was lay around and be pregnant. I think my skin finally adjusted for the moment and I’m not feeling quite as stretched. My belly button isn’t totally popped out, but when I stand up, it bulges and is hyper-sensitive. I had to make a belly button protector the other day out of a belly band and a thick sock. It looked silly, but it made it more tolerable to be up and cooking and cleaning. It would freak me out if it bumped against anything. I’m still feeling pretty sensitive, but not as bad as the other day. I feel like I need more room – like my space bubble has gotten bigger. I hate pushing past people in the grocery store or in public. I want them to just see that I’m pregnant and give me a wide berth.

I’ve been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately, too. Not so many that I’m worried about preterm labor, but I’m definitely feeling and noticing them, whereas before, I was probably experiencing them, but not noticing. Also, all of my pregnancy and birth books say that nipple stimulation causes contractions (and can be used as a way to kickstart labor when you’re past your due date). Anyway, yesterday, I decided to test that theory and, it works! After about 30 seconds I totally had a contraction. It was fun. I guess you’re not supposed to do stuff like that if you’re likely to have preterm labor, but as far as I know, I’m not at risk. Like I said, I’ve been feeling fine and don’t have any signs or symptoms of it. A few ladies on my birth forum have been put on bedrest because of it, though. It’s pretty scary to think that my baby could actually be born any time between now and 2 weeks after my due date. Hopefully, this one will bake as long as possible.

I’m more tired and irritable these days. I’m still sleeping well at night, though, which is good. People keep telling me that toward the end I won’t be able to sleep. We’ll see. I’ve always been a good sleeper. They also keep telling me that I won’t be able to poop, but that hasn’t happened yet, either. I’m quite regular, thank you very much.

We went to our first birth class Thursday night. It was ok. It’s pretty hippy dippy. We had to draw pictures and meditate. We did some pain coping exercises, which I liked. We held ice cubes and focused on our breathing and it really helped to deal with the pain. Holding ice cubes is nothing like a contraction, of course, but the technique will come in handy. I’ve done a lot of yoga, so I’ve got the whole breathing thing down. It was really funny watching Erik “meditate”. He’s so ADD, I knew there was no way he could handle it. So, I was closing my eyes and basically meditating, like we do in yoga, but I couldn’t resist peeking at Erik and seeing what he was doing. He was slouched down in his chair, eyes wide open, with a look of utter annoyance, almost disgust on his face. He looked like he was being punished. I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I just kept meditating with a big grin on my face. Poor guy. I guess we’ll start each class with a meditation. He’s going to be sure to go to the bathroom at that part.

So, people keep asking me if I’m “ready”. What is ready? Is anyone ever ready? I mean, I need to get rid of the bird so that I can finish setting up the baby room, but the baby’s going to be sleeping in our bed, so it’s not that critical. I haven’t been overwhelmed with the nesting bug yet. I don’t know if I actually ever will. It’s not really in my nature. I wish I had one of those moms or sisters that wanted to come over and set up the room and paint and all that. I want it done, I just don’t really want to do it. I should wash all of the baby clothes that I’ve gotten and put them in size categories in the dresser, but again, don’t wanna do it. I want to put drawer liners in the drawers and finish decoupaging the outside of the drawers, but I’ve really been procrastinating on it. Ugh! I just need to buckle down and do it. I’m running out of time. I have less than 9 weeks left! Yikes! I actually just want to sit around and knit all day. I’m working on a baby kimono top and it’s with such tiny yarn and needles, that if I don’t make an exerted effort every day, the baby will be here before it’s finished. It’s in a newborn size, so I really need to get on it.

Here are some pix of the tiny hat and socks that I knit. The hat looks ridiculously small, but it's stretchy. I took a picture of it on one of Frances' stuffies. It stretches even more than that, so unless I have a baby with a huge head (pray that I don't) it will fit. It's small on purpose so it fits the first day. The socks probably won't fit 'til the baby's 3 months or so, but I didn't have a pattern for anything smaller. I threw in the picture of my huge white belly that we took at the river a week ago for those of you who may not have seen it. I'm too lazy to take a belly picture of myself.

29 weeks (quick update)

Ugh! The stretchmarks are sneaking up on me. I thought that I might escape them (I don't know why), but no. They are appearing on my belly and thighs. No amount of belly oil is going to fight them off. Oh, well.

Apparently my baby is the size of a butternut squash and weighs about 2.5 lbs. It feels more like a 10lb watermelon in there. There isn't enough room in my abdomen for my stomach, intestines, lungs AND a baby. Last night at bedtime, my dinner kept threatening to come back up and to make matters worse, baby was doing water aerobics or something AND then the cat decided that she needed to make biscuits on my belly. It was all too much. I had to go sit in the recliner in the livingroom until I fell asleep. I have a feeling I'll end up there a lot toward the end of this pregnancy.

Erik was really grumpy at bedtime, too. I had to sit up because my tummy was so upset and he got all mad when I pushed him off of me when he tried to cuddle. I seriously felt like I was going to explode, but instead of being understanding, he just told me that I complain too much. I'd really love to see him be pregnant. Grrr.

3rd trimester and pregnancy dreams

Wow. It's been a while. Mostly because nothing much has been going on. They call the 2nd trimester the "Honeymoon trimester" and it's pretty accurate. Now, though, I'm officially in the 3rd trimester and I'm definitely feeling pregnant. Bending over to pick stuff up or to get stuff out of low cupboards is getting more and more uncomfortable. Getting up off the couch is getting more difficult, physically AND mentally. The fatigue has seemed to set in and I just want to sleep all the time. It's different from the 1st trimester fatigue, though. There seems to be less and less room in my stomach every day. A small meal makes me feel Thanksgiving stuffed. Never mind the heartburn and indigestion. I'm still craving sweets, especially chocolate. I have to have dessert every night or else I feel sad and deprived. Hopefully I passed my glucose test. The results should be in this week, but they won't call me unless I didn't pass. I peed a little when I coughed the other day and the midwives scolded me for not doing my kegels. I hate kegels dammit! But, I'm doing them a little more often now (as compared to never, I guess). Erik just laughed at me. He thinks all of my pregnancy issues are hilarious. I got a little rashy on my upper thighs (probably from heat or sweat or whatever) and I had to have him look at it 'cause I can't see it and he thought that was the funniest thing in the world. So, the belly (the reason I can't see my upper thighs) is just getting huge. I can feel it stretching and I constantly run into things with it. I have to wear an apron when I cook and do dishes 'cause I end up with water all over it or smearing it in something that was on the counter. It's so heavy, too. I am so gonna feel like a whale soon. I've already gotten a couple of comments from women about it. Apparently I look like I'm gonna pop soon. I'm glad I don't go out in public much 'cause I don't think I could handle too many stupid comments from people. I'd probably end up telling some well-intentioned old lady to fuck off. I think the only appropriate response from total strangers is for them to look at your belly and then look at you and smile. They've acknowledged that you're pregnant and that's enough. They don't need to ask how far along I am, whether or not it's my first and when my frickin' due date is. Let alone some other asinine question or comment. No one better be asking me about the condition of my cervix or belly button (it's happened to other women I know). Oh, and never mind sex. That's getting more and more difficult, as well. Poor Erik. It's just so hard to be sexy when you have this giant belly in the way and all kinds of aches and pains and heartburn and gas. I'm obviously not one of those women who are insatiably horny throughout their pregnancy. He's such a good sport, though. He thinks my belly is sexy. I feel so lucky 'cause so many guys get turned off by pregnancy.

Anyway, I had a couple of interesting pregnancy dreams the past few days. The other night I dreamt that I met my baby. He was in a car seat or something and he was quite small. I was like, "oh, there's my baby." He was wearing a diaper and I pulled it down to see if it was a boy or a girl and it was definitely a boy. Then I gave him lots of kisses. For some reason, I knew that he was 3 months early and I was concerned. I don't know why he was born already, but I knew that he wasn't supposed to be. I asked the midwife if I had to put him back (yes, put him back, like cut me open and put him back in my uterus) for three months, but she said no, he'll just have to be in NICU. I was very upset about this because it was going to totally ruin all of my plans for breastfeeding and bonding with my baby. That was then end, I guess.

I think last night's dream was even crazier. So, I was in labor in the birth tub and was getting to the point where things get really intense and you think you can't handle it anymore. Then, I was outside myself watching the labor and even helping. I saw myself freaking out and saying that I couldn't do it, but the birth attendant told me I was almost there. The baby was crowning and then the birth attendent told me to catch the baby. So, I hold the head as they baby comes out and when it's out, I look at it and it's a pretty girl baby. I was wearing a long sleeved black shirt for some reason and cuddled the wet, slimy baby, which had turned into a puppy. It was a black and white cocker spaniel. (I hate cocker spaniels BTW). So, I'm cuddling the puppy/baby, but I wasn't the one who had given birth. Erik and the midwives were getting a blanket ready for the other "me" who had just given birth so she could hold the puppy/baby and I looked at her and said, "look, it's black and white, just like you like" I guess trying to cheer her up because she just had a puppy instead of a baby. Which is weird, 'cause it's my mom who likes black and white animals. I remember wondering what kind of drugs taken during pregnancy or screwed up genetics would cause someone to give birth to a puppy. It was all very disappointing.

So, yeah, 3 more months. Possibly less. Am I ready? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Nope. Too late for that. I have mostly everything I need as far as furniture and clothing thanks to all of my wonderful friends and relatives. I suppose I need to stock up on diapers at some point. I had also better get cracking on the knitting if I want hats and booties. I still haven't finished the blanket I started forever ago. Well, that's all for now, I guess.

25wks6days

I was standing in front of the mirror naked just now and noticed how incredibly veiny I am. I guess because I have increased bloodflow in my body, all of my veins are really visible. I can see them down my sides and on the sides of my belly. You can even see them on my chest under my old lady skin. I think I might be getting stretch marks on my belly, but only very faintly. I can't see underneath my belly anymore. I'm just about 26 weeks. I told Erik the other day that I only had 15 weeks left of pregnancy and he asked if I could keep it in longer. Apparently he's a little nervous about having a new little one! Me, I'm pretty excited. Actually, I guess I go back and forth. One minute I can't wait to have the baby and see what it looks like and do all the mommy things and the next minute I'm freaking out because I'm gonna have a baby. I was suuuuper grumpy the other day and Frances was banging around and stomping down the hall and I just about bit her head off! I just thought about what I'll do if she's making all that noise when I have a newborn that I just got to sleep.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow. I'm supposed to bring a 3 day food log and I really don't want to admit to anyone, let alone hippy dippy midwives, what I've been eating. I am totally craving sweets. I met Erik for lunch and on my way home I stopped at the donut shop and bought two donuts and scarfed them down before I even got home. I think I might not put those on the log. I eat lots of cheese and meat, too and I know they frown on that. They think that I should be getting more protein from beans and nuts, but I'm a carnivore. Plus, I read that cholesterol doesn't matter when you're pregnant because the baby needs lots of it to develop properly. I should be eating more veggies, but I have come to the realization that I'm really not that in to vegetables. Salads bore me, so I have to put tons of dressing on them. I like broccoli, but you can only eat that so many times a week. I don't like greens at all. I've tried to like them, really I have. Oh, and there's this pregnancy tea that they want me to drink every day. So, I dutifully went to the herb store and bought all of the herbs for it and mixed them all together in a big jar. I poured a portion into a quart jar and let it steep for 4 hours, like they recommended and took a sip and decided that I pretty much hate it. I'm supposed to drink a quart of it a day! I don't drink tea. I drink water all day. Apparently that's not good enough. They especially want me to drink it because I still have to have my cup of coffee in the morning and supposedly it will help offset some of the negative effects of caffeine or something like that. Hmmmph is all I have to say about that. So, I don't have any good news to tell the midwives. They're going to be disappointed that I've been eating too much meat and cheese and sweets and not drinking my pregnancy tea. Pth. Well, I have to go try to register for a childbirth class now. 'Til next time!

WTF?

The things I learn on my pregnancy forum. I have just learned what "placenta encapsulation" is. After you have your baby, a certified specialist comes to your house and "prepares" your placenta. They dry it, grind it into powder and put it into capsules that you can swallow. Supposedly, it gives you doses of important hormones. I dunno, the whole thing sounds really gross to me. I got a little queasy reading about it. Here's where I read about it: http://placentabenefits.info/about.asp

I guess I'll bury mine under a tree or something. I'm not going to fry it up with some onions and share it with the family or anything! I'm not going to stick it in the freezer, either. One woman on the forum still has hers in there from a few years ago. That just sounds gross.